I don't remember exactly when it happened, but at some point in my adult life my grandmother and I began butting heads. She was upset with me because I refused to allow my father to continue to be the ever existing nuisance in my life, and I was upset with her because she never understood me. She didn't understand how I could not love someone who never loved me. She didn't understand how I was so independent and chose school and the single life over marriage and family. In disagreeing with my grandmother, I also lost touch with my grandfather. They are a package deal. I decided to just live my own life and not worry about my grandparents and what they thought of me or my decisions. I didn't talk with them for a while unless I ran into them while they were visiting my aunt in Corpus Christi, and I happened to be there. My recent transition in life, city, and status has made me realize that I need to reconnect with my family. I have lost too many people to senseless tragedies, and I know that life can just slip away from one day to the next.
I have made it a point to visit my grandparents again. I saw them twice in the last year. The most recent visit was on Christmas day 2010. I went to their house to see them, but more because I wanted to see my cousins (who I had also lost touch with throughout the years). This visit took place in the midst of my insecurities about law school and my uneasiness about any future success with my new career choice.
In attempting to reconnect with my family, I ended up realizing that I could do better in law school. How did this revelation happen and why does it even matter here? It was a brief comment my cousin made and an innocent talk I had with my grandmother that did the trick.
I told my cousin that law school was hard. He said that if it wasn't hard everyone would do it. That was the least complicated part of this story, but it was the part that made me start thinking about how I defined what was hard and what I was willing to fight for in order to succeed. When he said those short yet realistic words, I felt like he really believed in me. Things might have ended there, but they didn't. My grandmother's part in this story is the meat.
My grandmother never graduated high school. She has never worked. She has always been a wife and mother. I never wanted to be like her. I am not like her. These things are also what have made me feel disconnected from her my entire life. I have never sought advice from her about my own life because I did not agree with the choices that she made. I was not seeking advice from her this time...but her words helped me more than any others have.
I confided in my grandmother that I was worried about my performance in law school this semester. I told her that law school is hard. It is so hard and I was not feeling that I could succeed. I told her that I was afraid I would not make it. I have said this to others. As a matter of fact, I have said this many times in the last few months. What was the difference this time? This time I did not hear words of encouragement. I was not told that I would do great because I always end up doing great. I was not told not to worry and that everything would work itself out. My grandmother simply said that all I could do was try my best, study hard, and if I didn't make it then I didn't make it.
It almost sounds silly now that I am putting it into my own words - that I could feel that this advice was so profound and attitude-changing. I think what did it was that she actually thought that it was possible that I might NOT make it. I have to chuckle now just thinking about it. I'm not mad at her. That is her life. She believes that some things are impossible. The Me that has fought with her for so many years would have resented her for thinking that and started the cycle of non-communication all over again. Not this Me. This Me knows that we all come from different worlds. This Me realizes that we all must let each other do, think, and say what is natural for us - what feels right in our own lives and through our own subjectivity.
But this Me also knows that I cannot let myself fail. Success is possible. I sometimes need that little fear and push towards failure to try harder - to realize where I went wrong and to remedy those mistakes. This Me is ready to do just that. It's interesting how those who believe in you the least are the ones who sometimes push you the most.
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