**This was originally posted as Facebook note on January 15, 2014 at 2:04pm**
As I sit alone in my grandparents' living room, I’m surrounded by the loud ticking of various clocks. The ticking of one clock seeps in through the kitchen. The other is by the television, and I’m surprised by the small size of the clock in relation to the massive sound it makes. I spend an unreasonable amount of time staring at this clock and want to ask it why it must yell so loudly. What is it trying to prove? I hear a third ticking, but I don’t care enough to search for the source of that ticking sound in the semi-dark room. I chuckle as I wonder if the sound is actually coming from within me rather than another tangible clock. Eventually, I feel smothered by the tick tick ticking – especially because all of these clocks are out of sync. I imagine that my grandmother must have set them all herself – all within seconds of each other.
Tick tick tick.
As if the ticking is directing my thoughts, I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness over time that is lost – never to return. Family gatherings…births…deaths…some of these moments I can only visit in photos now. Others are impossible to attend – peeled away and gone forever.
So many walls of this house are covered with photos. Some photos are illuminated by the overhead counter light peeping in through the kitchen door. The light taunts me and reminds me of my joy as a child and of my absences as an adult.
Most of these photos have been on these walls for decades, but some photos are new to me. I realize that the photos I do not recognize were taken in the last few years. These are years that I spent pursuing a law degree and not visiting home as often as I used to. I am aware that there must be empty places in the photos on my mother’s side of the family, as well. I try not to neglect family for other family. I only neglect for myself – for my goals…for my future. Regardless of whether the family was maternal or paternal, they understood that I couldn’t always be present when everyone else was; nevertheless, photo ops didn’t wait for me and were over by the time I arrived. Not everyone can live by my clock.
Tick. Tick. Tock.
Upon closer inspection of all the photos, I notice that once my childhood was over the only photos of me are where I’m dressed in a cap and gown. Practiced smile - nothing like the pictures of my glorious glow and happiness when I was a kid. All alone - in sharp contrast with the photos of time spent with my cousins at birthday parties and summer vacations. My life going full speed in one direction - away.
I’m the oldest of all the grandchildren – the only female for many years before the next girl was born. Yet, I do not have a family of my own. It’s rare that anyone even asks me anymore when I plan to have children. I’ve become my career path – a role model for some girls in my family and perhaps a cautionary tale for others. It makes me a little sad to think that these photos of me are the last of their kind. Is a graduation photo of me all that’s destined to hang on these walls? Are my milestones over?
Tick tick tick.
If I continue on this path, I won’t leave anything behind in this family. Once I’m gone, I’m gone. There won’t be any children to reminisce about my life on this earth – especially because most of the great-grandchildren already born don’t even really know me. They might recognize me from a quick pop-in on a holiday, but that’s all they could ever share about me to future generations.
Liza was our cousin who always put school first and only came around if there was time.
Liza dressed up like a clown at my first birthday party, but I only remember that because I saw some pictures.
Liza swept in like she was on tour and never really got to know any of us.
Liza walks to the ticking of her own clocks.
Is that the legacy I want to leave behind? Am I satisfied with the role of independent woman – absent daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and cousin? I don’t know anymore. There’s so much room left in my heart…so many more memories to be made. I am certain that now is the time to reevaluate my life and decide the direction I plan to take.
What I do know at the moment is that when all else is broken and shattered, my family is always there for me. I have made some of the best friends that I will ever have from a pool of the members of my own family. I know that each and every one of them would stand beside me when I needed them most. And I hope they know that I would do the same.
And until I know what my future holds, my presence and unconditional love is all I have to offer. I’ll try my best to offer all of that and more without regard for ticking clocks.
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