Weight of the the World

Today, for maybe the first time in a few weeks, I can't make myself think positive. I feel the mighty weight of the bar exam pressing down on me. This feels like a fight or flight situation where all I want is flight. Today, I am tired of fighting. I am feeling myself getting annoyed with my surroundings. I'm upset that I have to cook for myself...lug all my shit to the law school to study EVERY DAMN DAY...and why the fuck do people look at me when I walk by? Why do the people studying outside my study room have to look up at me EVERY FUCKING TIME I walk out to take a break or go to the bathroom? It makes me feel like I'm bothering them if I walk around too much. Most days I just think "Fuck them. If they don't like it, they can go sit somewhere else." But today I just want to scream at them. Especially Zac. Mind your own fucking business, Zac, and stop coming in here to see what we're doing. We're fucking studying...that's what we're fucking doing. That's what you should be doing too. And stop making eye contact with me every time I walk out there. I don't want to look at you.

I'm not coming back here to study tomorrow. For my own sanity and the safety of others and my friendships, I think it's best if I just stick the rest of this thing out at home. Alone.

And right on cue - Yolanda just sent me a text message saying "You can feel the tension in the law school. It's suffocating." And she's absolutely right. That explains it perfectly. Especially because I feel like I can't breathe.